Late this year I will turn sixty-two. That is not precisely correct my body will turn sixty-two. I am perpetually about twenty-five, much taller than my body, tougher than leather and have a luxurious head of dark hair. Friends who know me well would probably opt for perpetually twelve with a dirty face and a garter snake in my pocket but there we must disagree.
Be all that as it may I will turn sixty-two and I will begin to collect my social security. I have weighed all my options and decided to apply at the earliest date. My reasoning is simple, sooner or later an epidemic of COMMON SENSE might break out and Washington will realize we can’t pay this. I want to at least get some of my money back.
Yes, I am a Baby Boomer. Something I admit with the same attitude as other men might admit they buy their underwear at Victoria’s Secrets. The Baby Boom is a name given to those of us born to the returning WWII veterans. It seems that the Greatest Generation, after saving the world from absolute evil, came home, bought Fords and Chevys, enrolled in College and then began to copulate with such abandon that rabbits hid their faces in shame.
This frenzy of sexual activity produced the Baby Boom; a great big air bubble in the blood stream of American life headed for the heart of the economy. I, born deep in this bubble absolutely despise the selfish, egocentric, egotistic, and ungrateful Baby Boom. We grew up in an age where it was all about us and we are darned sure going to make it STAY all about us.
What are the growing industries in America today? Health care in general, doctors, drug companies, chiropractors, wellness centers, and old folk’s homes (opps I meant retirement centers we don’t have old folk’s homes any more we’re the Baby Boomers). Another booming business is the legal profession. We are the Baby Boomers, we need somebody to sue all those doctors et al who can’t make us live forever, still be able to play tennis and do the Wild Thing like our love starved Daddy’s did to make us.
When I was six TV was geared to six years olds. Davy Crocket tamed the east while Wyatt Earp walked Tombstone brave, courageous and bold. When I was sixteen TV was geared for sixteen year olds. Come on now, sing along, “Hey, hey were the Monkeys”. Now I am sixty-two and TV is largely geared to my dumbed down, thrill seeking generational perspective. What else could explain America’s Funniest Home Videos?
Advertisements are less about Mattel toys. Instead they feature things to grow my hair back and things to put lead in my pencil. I read recently that one of the drugs meant to grow your hair back causes severe sexual dysfunction. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Now THAT would be a funny home video.
First some advice to my fellow Boomers; get a grip. OK? We are getting older, if it happens to the best of us it was certain to happen to a sorry lot like me and you. Every other generation has righteously discussed the down fall of the generation after them. We have no moral platform from which to denounce our young because we still want to BE our young.
Forever Young is a Rod Stewart song not a fact. We are getting OLD. What hair we still have is gray or soon will be, our belly buttons are running from our back bones, our knees are beginning to do the Watusi without the rest of us, our walk is becoming a shuffle and our teeth are deserting us faster than some of us deserted our military. We have no Picture of Dorian Gray and, frankly, if we did I would burn mine. We Boomer are into “natural remedies” well let me give you the natural remedy for our selfish and narcissistic generation. Time, it is our Jump Master and it is telling us to “STAND IN THE DOOR!” because we are about to get off the plane.
Having said that and since we Boomers like new experiences why don’t we try something new? Unselfishness might be worth a try.
Second, a word to our children, the children of the children of the Baby Boom; I would like for you to take a moment and consider your parent’s contribution to the Oval Office thus far, the Boomers who had the power to make the whole world go BOOM!
1. William Jefferson Clinton: Wow, what’s to say about Billy? He was so narcissistic that, enough about that we all know what he did. The God Smacking thing was all the things he did afterwards to assure that Billy got to keep all his toys. “Mine, mine… it’s all mine.” Translate that to Latin and you got the Boomer motto.
2. George W. Bush Jr.: A more classic Boomer would be hard to find. Spent his young life partying then went home to follow in Daddy’s footsteps. Actually he did a pretty good job of that out doing his Daddy handily by getting us in two wars (not just one) that lasted years (not just the war equivalent of a long wait at the drive through) and oversaw the near destruction of our economy (not just a minor bump in the economic freeway). Yeah Dad should be proud.
3. Barrack Obama: The jury is still out on Obama but the Bailiff is whispering to the judge. It doesn’t look good. His legacy seems to be the most contorted, round your butt to get to your elbow, expensive, intrusive and almost certainly unconstitutional piece of social engineering in the history of the country if not the world.
For this next and hopefully final chapter in Boomer Presidency we are offering you a double feature of Obama, There Should Have Been Only One or Romney Son of well Romney. I could rest my case against us, the Boomers, on that alone but, oh no, the worst is yet to come kids.
SOCIAL SECURITY IS COMING!!!! All of you should be screaming and running away right now. On Jan 1st, 2011 the first of the Boomers hit Social Security. Picture a gentle wave lapping up on the shore before the tsunami drags the bay dry and then roars in crushing and shoving everything before it. January 1st 2011 was kind of like that.
I am trying real hard to make this funny but the fact is I am out of rubber chickens. Over the next nineteen years millions of us are going to join the rolls of Social Security and millions less of us are going to have the good grace to do the River Jordan breast stroke. Any fool smarter than a Boomer can see that the money just isn’t there.
Now my answer to this is….. Well we could…. What would be best is…. The simple fact is I have no easy answer and the Boomer Generation has always sought the easy answer haven’t we?
After thinking about this I may re-read Taylor Caldwell with a little more sympathy for throwing Granny in the ditch.
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