The Obie and Mitty Show or Hail to the Grief

I love the Presidential election season. Any election is like a satirist’s birthday, gifts and cakes, funny hats and pin the tail on the Jack Ass. A Presidential election, for the satirist, is like your birthday falling ON Christmas, celebrated at Disney World with Willie Nelson providing the entertainment and the party favors.

Let’s take a moment and see how a presidential election plays out. First, you have to become the candidate don’t you? Becoming the candidate means you have to win the primaries. Primaries are when each state decides who they want to vote for at the convention. Are you following all this? Good, me neither.

Anyway you just simply must win the primaries which will cost you most of your money and any integrity you happen to have lying around. What you have to do is referred to as ENERGIZING YOUR BASE. For public consumption what they mean by that is exciting all the committed people who get out there and work hard for the candidates.

What they actually mean by that is somewhat different.  Picture the American political tree. The early nuts are out on the little limbs so the Demo squirrel runs for the ones on the left and the Repu squirrel runs for the ones on the right. When the two parties say they want to energize their base what they mean is to run to the left or the right and gather up the really succulent NUTS.

Why yes I am saying that the political base of both parties are a bunch of nuts; some are walnuts, some are chestnuts but most are your simple wing-nuts. One issue extremist with agendas harder than a salesman’s heart, delusions more complex than Chinese Arithmetic and fantasies more vivid than a fifteen year old with a Playboy.  If I offend any of my readers then maybe you need to sit down, take off your tin foil hat and think about it.

You guys, the party base, are the ones they already got. You are the POWs of the political war. They got you; they are going to keep you so they don’t have to do one real thing for you. Just pat you on the butt once every four years and tell you how important you are and you work your little buns off for them and then you vote for them.  

President Obama, being a sitting president, is not as tied to this process as the Republican Candidates were. President Obama already has his nomination sewed up but still he must at least nod towards those people that make up the core coalition of his liberal base. Gay marriage is an example. Obama more or less said, “I didn’t believe in it last time but I thought about it and it is the thing to do.”

Please note he sent Vice President Biden to try that stance out first. Everybody knows Jokin’ Joe is a bit of a wing nut himself and had it not been received well Barrack could have just laughed it off, “That Joe, he is such a character.”

Let me tell you something my Homosexual friends and fellow citizens, when and if Obama is re-elected your issues will slip to the bottom of his pile. Not because he does not believe what he says or because he does. It will fall between the WIDE Washington cracks because he no longer NEEDS you.

Now I bet a lot of your conservative Republican friends of mine are laughing at this. Enjoy it, you are next.  Romney has probably eaten more hamburgers, BBQ, fried fish and coleslaw in the last six months than he has in his previous life. He is for guns, against gays, for God, against abortion and etc. If there is an issue important to three people in the Republican base he is with them on it. If there are contradictions among those issues he is with BOTH SIDES. Honest, he means it.

His commitment to all of your core issues is unshakeable, rock solid and not to be doubted. Until, that is, you nominate him. You see your base gets you nominated but it is the other ninety-eight percentile of us that get you elected. Guess what happens next?

At that point picture the tree of American Politics just full of nuts. You base on the right and left are no longer important because you already have all those nuts. It’s all those nuts in the middle that are going to get you the chance to sit behind the Resolute Desk and get called POTUS. So now our two little political squirrels run back to the middle of the tree.

Now comes the time to “clarify your position”. Which means spin some other fantasy to cover up the fantasy you spun for those other guys. The mutually agreed on way to do this is to turn the debate to the bigger issues. Neither candidate wants to talk about all those other issues they already lied about.

So the talk will turn to Foreign Policy, terrorism, immigration reform and stuff like that. Of course it will never turn to the fact that since 1983 prices have increased and middle class income has stayed exactly the same. Oh, and it will never get near the fact that, under the stewardship of the Republicans and the Democrats, this nation is teetering on the brink of become a footnote in world history. If we discuss that some folks might realize that both parties are to blame and kick the whole sorry lot to the curb.

Now we can’t have that can we?

Boom, Boom, Here Come the Boomers

Late this year I will turn sixty-two. That is not precisely correct my body will turn sixty-two. I am perpetually about twenty-five, much taller than my body, tougher than leather and have a luxurious head of dark hair. Friends who know me well would probably opt for perpetually twelve with a dirty face and a garter snake in my pocket but there we must disagree.

Be all that as it may I will turn sixty-two and I will begin to collect my social security. I have weighed all my options and decided to apply at the earliest date.  My reasoning is simple, sooner or later an epidemic of COMMON SENSE might break out and Washington will realize we can’t pay this. I want to at least get some of my money back.

Yes, I am a Baby Boomer. Something I admit with the same attitude as other men might admit they buy their underwear at Victoria’s Secrets. The Baby Boom is a name given to those of us born to the returning WWII veterans. It seems that the Greatest Generation, after saving the world from absolute evil, came home, bought Fords and Chevys, enrolled in College and then began to copulate with such abandon that rabbits hid their faces in shame.

This frenzy of sexual activity produced the Baby Boom; a great big air bubble in the blood stream of American life headed for the heart of the economy. I, born deep in this bubble absolutely despise the selfish, egocentric, egotistic, and ungrateful Baby Boom. We grew up in an age where it was all about us and we are darned sure going to make it STAY all about us.

What are the growing industries in America today? Health care in general, doctors, drug companies, chiropractors, wellness centers, and old folk’s homes (opps I meant retirement centers we don’t have old folk’s homes any more we’re the Baby Boomers). Another booming business is the legal profession. We are the Baby Boomers, we need somebody to sue all those doctors et al who can’t make us live forever, still be able to play tennis and do the Wild Thing like our love starved Daddy’s did to make us.

When I was six TV was geared to six years olds. Davy Crocket tamed the east while Wyatt Earp walked Tombstone brave, courageous and bold. When I was sixteen TV was geared for sixteen year olds. Come on now, sing along, “Hey, hey were the Monkeys”. Now I am sixty-two and TV is largely geared to my dumbed down, thrill seeking generational perspective. What else could explain America’s Funniest Home Videos?

Advertisements are less about Mattel toys. Instead they feature things to grow my hair back and things to put lead in my pencil. I read recently that one of the drugs meant to grow your hair back causes severe sexual dysfunction. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Now THAT would be a funny home video.

First some advice to my fellow Boomers; get a grip. OK? We are getting older, if it happens to the best of us it was certain to happen to a sorry lot like me and you. Every other generation has righteously discussed the down fall of the generation after them. We have no moral platform from which to denounce our young because we still want to BE our young.

Forever Young is a Rod Stewart song not a fact. We are getting OLD. What hair we still have is gray or soon will be, our belly buttons are running from our back bones, our knees are beginning to do the Watusi without the rest of us, our walk is becoming a shuffle and our teeth are deserting us faster than some of us deserted our military. We have no Picture of Dorian Gray and, frankly, if we did I would burn mine. We Boomer are into “natural remedies” well let me give you the natural remedy for our selfish and narcissistic generation. Time, it is our Jump Master and it is telling us to “STAND IN THE DOOR!” because we are about to get off the plane.

Having said that and since we Boomers like new experiences why don’t we try something new? Unselfishness might be worth a try.

Second, a word to our children, the children of the children of the Baby Boom; I would like for you to take a moment and consider your parent’s contribution to the Oval Office thus far, the Boomers who had the power to make the whole world go BOOM!

1.       William Jefferson Clinton: Wow, what’s to say about Billy? He was so narcissistic that, enough about that we all know what he did. The God Smacking thing was all the things he did afterwards to assure that Billy got to keep all his toys. “Mine, mine… it’s all mine.” Translate that to Latin and you got the Boomer motto.

2.       George W. Bush Jr.: A more classic Boomer would be hard to find. Spent his young life partying then went home to follow in Daddy’s footsteps. Actually he did a pretty good job of that out doing his Daddy handily by getting us in two wars (not just one) that lasted years (not just the war equivalent of a long wait at the drive through) and oversaw the near destruction of our economy (not just a minor bump  in the economic freeway). Yeah Dad should be proud.

3.       Barrack Obama: The jury is still out on Obama but the Bailiff is whispering to the judge. It doesn’t look good. His legacy seems to be the most contorted, round your butt to get to your elbow, expensive, intrusive and almost certainly unconstitutional piece of social engineering in the history of the country if not the world.

For this next and hopefully final chapter in Boomer Presidency we are offering you a double feature of Obama, There Should Have Been Only One or Romney Son of well Romney. I could rest my case against us, the Boomers, on that alone but, oh no, the worst is yet to come kids.

SOCIAL SECURITY IS COMING!!!! All of you should be screaming and running away right now. On Jan 1^st, 2011 the first of the Boomers hit Social Security. Picture a gentle wave lapping up on the shore before the tsunami drags the bay dry and then roars in crushing and shoving everything before it. January 1^st 2011 was kind of like that.

I am trying real hard to make this funny but the fact is I am out of rubber chickens. Over the next nineteen years millions of us are going to join the rolls of Social Security and millions less of us are going to have the good grace to do the River Jordan breast stroke. Any fool smarter than a Boomer can see that the money just isn’t there.

Now my answer to this is….. Well we could…. What would be best is…. The simple fact is I have no easy answer and the Boomer Generation has always sought the easy answer haven’t we?

After thinking about this I may re-read Taylor Caldwell with a little more sympathy for throwing Granny in the ditch.

The Drone Boss, The Drone

Whatever man can do, he will. That is not a quote; it came full blown from my own little rounded head. Many years ago I read the classic novel, 1984, by George Orwell. From this novel, came the much repeated phrase “Big Brother Is Watching”.

Well folks, I probably do not need to tell you that Bigger Brother is now watching. It appears, as is normal, technology born of war is coming to the home front. The drones used so effectively on the FEBA (Forward Edge of the Battle Area) are coming to the BEMS (Both Ends of Main Street). Military Drone technology, so loved by the Air Force, has a new customer base: Andy and Barney in your own home town.

This new development brings to my mind a burning question: what are the rest of you people up to?!! What foul deeds, high crimes, felonious intents and actions do all you other Americans harbor in your depraved hearts that makes my government feel the need to send flying cameras over the country?

‘Cause I know it ain’t me. With twenty-four hour surveillance of my little leased piece of America, the most heinous thing they might see is me taking a kick at the cat (I always miss, cats are quick), hiding a paint can in the middle of my everyday trash, or patting my lady, in an inappropriate place, while no one is watching. Oh yes, that’s the point. Someone IS watching.

So tell me, Mr. and Mrs. America what kind of foolishness are you involved in that makes our elected officials think you bare such close watching? Come clean now, are you people smoking that Demon Weed? Well we know what that can lead to…. Jazz Music.

Could it be that you are planning the violent overthrow of the Constituted Government of the United States? Are you stockpiling weapons beneath your above ground pool, training terrorist around your BBQ grill, teaching bomb building beneath your jungle gym? I tell you this; you people need watching. I am a good citizen, veteran and absolutely certain that no one is watching me. Yeah, I believe that.

Let me tell you about the first recorded use of a drone for Law Enforcement purposes. Better yet, thanks to the wonders of the internet let me show you: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2073248/Local-cops-used-Predator-drone-arrest-North-Dakota-farm-family-stealing-6-cows.html the Brossarts of North Dakota do not seem like a group of people I would want to sit down to dinner with. They are not very fond of our Federal Government, a trait they share with most Democrats and ALL Republicans. They might have absconded with half a dozen of their neighbor’s cattle. They appear to have resisted County Sheriffs with drawn firearms.

The County Sheriffs Office called out their SWAT team and then, according to the report, some County Mounty said, “I got a great idea.”

ubisurv.wordpress.com

Yeah right. Barney of North Dakota DECIDED to call up the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE and borrow that. I believe it, but then again, “I believe for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows.”

Not that it concerns me in anyway because I AM a good, law abiding citizen. After all, it’s you they are after: bunch of sneaky, underhanded, criminal, terrorist, hot head, Islamic, Christian, Jewish, Atheist conspirators that you all are.

An old saying used to go around us military guys that the scariest words a soldier ever heard was, “Trust me, I am from the CIA and I am here to help.” There was some truth to that.

But let me tell you right now, you can trust them, they are from the government and they are here to help.

Hello

This is by way of introduction. My first thought was to call this blog the Walpole Report based on the oft misquoted statement by Horace Walpole, "This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel,".

I enjoy this statement very much as I have a tendency to put my tongue in my cheek early and often something I share with the 4th Earl of Oxford though I have admit he probably has a sharper wit than mine. Then again I often say the same thing about most cats.

So this is my attempt at humor, no I don't mean making up knock-knock jokes. Devising humor is probably well above my pay grade. Luckily for me we have government officials, luminaries, rock stars, and etc who are happy to provide me with tons of material in their everyday lives.

While your everyday politician in ascending order from local to federal make very good copy I believe that bureaucrats on all levels far outstrip their elected masters in providing us with a mental picture that makes Dali paintings look like they were done by Grandma Moses.

So this is my little blog, an attempt to see things in a different way and to make people laugh at our own foibles, pre-conceived notions and default assumptions. I try to view the world this way because, even though I like to read the occasional tragedy I would rather live in a comedy and so I try to think.

I for see that some of this might be considered as irreverent. You would probably be right but I cannot help but believe my God has a sense of humor. Exhibit A of my argument for God's sense of the absurd is that He made the Duck Billed Platypus. If I need an Exhibit B I could suggest Reality TV.

So here is some things to read, just a thought that tumbled around in the spin cycle of my mind and came out looking something like this.